Follow

Life is going and is getting better all the time! Yesterday, I believe I experienced something completely new and challenging. I got to teach the lesson in Relief Society on Henry B. Eying's conference address on "Faith and Keys." Its an amazing talk.

I was scared to teach. I always have been. I guess I feel inadequate to teach others that probably know lots more than me, or because I feel I can't express the magnitude and depth of the talk fully. Any who.... I agreed to do it and made my preperations for the lesson.

FORTY MINUTES! I had never had so much time to teach ever before. I read the talk at least five times a day, read Ephesians and other scriptures, looked at other talks, etc... Because I felt that I needed to be prepared in any way.I finally finished my lesson and as it became night I gathered my thoughts, brushed my teeth, and read my P. Blessing.

I after kneeled in prayer and something happened.... Something wonderful.

I was not suppose to give the lesson that I had prepared. I felt it. I knew it. A line from my blessing stood out and would not leave my mind. I was not supposed to give that lesson I prepared, I was supposed to bear my testimony of things and go into discussion based on where the Spirit lead me. I have to admit that the thought of not going into a lesson with papers for others to read or a written outline of what I was going to say scared me. I had never done anything like this.

I didn't feel stressed though, or that my stomach was all in knots. I just was scared I wouldn't teach the lesson effectively to how the Spirit would want me to.

I woke up yesterday morning and still fighting this knowledge that I had I tried to write an outline. Nothing would come. Okay... I get it. So I got ready and left for Church.

All the while I thought of how missionaries probably do this all the time. They teach and say things that are lead by the Spirit. They might not have an out line but they are prepared. "Open your mouth and words will come."

So I got up and taught the lesson. I rashed yes... :) I cried yes.... But all in all I knew what I was teaching and knew for myself that I was doing what needed to be done.

I could have gone along with the lesson I had prepared but knowing I am not the one really teaching, decided it best to follow.

It's was something new and scary but it was also something wonderful and life changing that I am glad I was given to experience.

Wonderful is welcome

I don't know about me lately... I find myself, all the time, making light of things. I think I do it because it takes off the weight of everything for that instant. My dad does it. I noticed it when my grandpa died last year and my dad tried to crack jokes. Not about the death but with anything else possible. I guess it is just how some people handle stress and gunk. I am one of them. But not all the time. I find myself to be an optimist and so knowing that things are hard right now I still know things can get better. It is like I have two minds- One is telling me that life sucks... but then the other one jumps in and says "Hey wait a minute! Life is challenging but look how far you have come. Look at all the wonderful things you do have." I like that mind. :) So I am going to stick with it and enjoy. I feel like my whole school year, this year, was just one big emotional rollercoaster. I didn't prefer it but none the less that is what it ended up being. Am I emotionally constipated? I feel that way sometimes. BUT I feel "stableness" coming on, I guess you could say... -It's a wonderful thought.-

Just don't get it...

I just don't get it..... If someone you know tells you that Honesty is the best key and then later that day find them not being direct, upfront and honest with you how can you believe what they say?

I am hurt for the fact that No one told me... I have been honest. I have said things that were hard. I just don't get it.

Don't call me "babe" and lead me on to think you like me, or open my doors and pay for my lunch. Don't expect me to be all fine with it and be able to talk to you as friends for awhile... I just don't get it. I don't get how you could say you love me and then not be straight up and real with me. I can understand if things change- I know all about that, but at least tell me instead of leading me on to think differently.

How long have you known? How long have you said things just to say them? I just feel like I have been treated wrongly.

You asked for my honesty... Why won't you give me yours?

Doggie Paddle if needs be

Wash the gum from our eyes and dress ourselves for the Dazzle of the Light.

Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore, now I will you to be a bold swimmer, to jump off in to the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, SHOUT! and laughingly dash with your hair.

- Walt Whitman

FOLLOW YOUR BLISS

It is miraclulous. I even have a superstition
that has grown on me as the
result of invisible hands coming
all the time...namely,
that if you do
follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind
of track that has been there
all the while, waiting for you, and the life you
ought to be living is the
one you are living.

When you can see that, you begin to meet
people who are in the field of
your bliss, and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and
don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know
they were going
to be.

-Joseph Campbell

FOLLOW YOUR BLISS!!!! I love this qoute. Do it! Follow it! I know it... So should you!

Question

Why do we need passionate people?

They show us there is something beyond the mundane tasks of life... They show us that there are things that allow us to have joy, happiness, and feelings of self-fulfillment completely in a personal, self actualizing way.

Thoughts wanted-

Inner Peace

...Have you ever looked at an art form that is so powerful to you that it tickles the back of your neck and inhibts your body or eyes from moving away to anything else? Almost to the point that it becomes euphoric? You loose your breath and when the feeling is gone you can't explain it, nor would you if you could... You then look around and remember that there is an entire world around you that you had forgotten even existed...

Art

"Gods purpose for the artist is to inspire. To give us visions of ourselves that we night not otherwise see. To make us better than we would have been. The world is better for the arts and the artists in it. Few earthly things brings joy more fully to the world than the arts."

M. Russell Ballard-"Filling the World with Goodness and Truth"

What do you get out of this?

Today

“If every choice I make expresses a preference; if I am judging myself, proclaiming all the day long to God, angels and my fellowmen where my real values lie, where my treasure is, the things to which I give supreme importance. Hence, in this life every moment provides a perfect and foolproof test of your real character, making this a time of testing and probation.”

-Hugh Nibley’s “Zeal without Knowledge”

Sister Bone today stopped us in dance today and said, "Do you realize what you have and what you have had? Did you, at those moments, communicate all that you could in that moment?" Every day we have the opportunity to show "us". The real us. Did we, at that moment, communitcate all that we could in that moment? You'll never do things you did today ever again in the exact same way.... All is unique, all is genuine, all is something we need to express to the fullest... Because we will never be able to experience "today"(this day) again.

Nate posted a great qoute by Emerson that said “Speak what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon-balls and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.”

I don't know what I am exactly trying to say.... Just every moment and every choice and everything we do today we should do it showing who we really are. What our real character is.

But then it brings up the topic of who are we really? I know in an eternal sense but here, right now, at this moment, on earth who are you? Or what is- self, I guess you could say?

You could refer to Cooley's Looking Glass Self Theory where it suggests 1) the way I see myself 2) the way you see me and 3) the way I think you see me. You could refer to a lot of things but what is self? All of it? (how I see, how you see, how I think you see?)

The other day I wrote down just a thought I had- "The way I thought I was to others that I thought was obvious isn't... Even if real. I need to show me and that might mean talking outloud to solve it. People don't know inside and I am realizing that maybe I percieve myself a certain way for no reason. I make it up. So what is real? and What is just made up?"

Just ramblin I guess.

Sisters Inspiration

"No man knows what he can endure until he must,
patience, strength and ability increase with necessity."

Book Club begins

I have made a goal to read a book a month and am searching for more books to possibly read.

Life of Pi
Catcher in the Rye*
Love in the Time of Cholera
The Da Vinci Code*
Miracle of Forgiveness
My Name is Asher Lev*
Jonathan Livingston Seagull*
Illusions*

The ones with *'s by it I have read or am reading right now.... But if you have any good books to read- let me know.

Skittle Run

Today was well.... I don't know. Cara, a friend of mine, thought it good to get me out of my house and take me to get skittles. She said it was for the whole shpill that happened yesterday. It was sweet of her but I don't think skittles are going to hit the spot for this one. But I agreed and left with her. She wanted to try the new skittles.... smoothie kind. I wasn't hungry but I ate a couple to let her know what she was trying to do meant something.

We always used to go on long drives together and listen to music just letting us reflect and talk. So we did that today. It was beautiful I must admit. The sun was a golden globe of warmth that I could feel seeping into me sitting in it's light. I love that. It felt very much like spring.

I wasn't very talkative. I was quiet and full of thoughts.

She decided to drive randomly where ever she felt and I agreed. She, first of all, drove past his old house, and then instead of going straight turned onto the street right next to the airport. All I could think was, "Please no, please don't turn here." Cara said something like, "Wow I haven't been here for so long... This is great." Yeah... It was great. Alot of wonderful memories even just right there. At that spot I remember feeling that I knew something I never knew before. I danced there once. I danced in the dark, silent field with an amazing individual and heard music. aaahhhh The day we danced....

She then turned around after that and drove to the golf course next. Right past a sewer plant and a pond. She stopped there and took some pictures and I, still silent, thought. Then to a playground, then to a gas station where the "big man" comment followed. I thought about telling Cara to stop driving and take me home but I didn't want her to. I loved all these memories. And even if it sucks and is painful and lonely now... I will always love those memories. They weren't sad so why make them that way now.

It just hurts you know?

Love.... its funny. You think your trying to make things simpler and it only turns out jummbled. I still love though... Don't get me wrong its just my little skittles drive just didn't hit the spot to help me get over any of it. But it was wonderful none the less. It was sweet of Cara. She didn't know what she was doing... but it did help me to know what I need to do.

Smoothie skittles.... they taste like Mambas but I suggest sticking with the originals.

Unconditional

Do I show unconditional love? Do I fit into the special category of wonderful people who love others regardless? I hope so. If not I will be. :)

Randomness

Love seems to be the topic of discussion everywhere. I would like to announce the new and improved Kate. I don't really think though that it's new or improved but now it is realized and known. I love. I love so much. I love the things I have learned... I love this Earth God has created for me. I love the most caring friends in the world. I love those brief instances where we see eternity. I love. I love the way this goofy looking guy, every tuesday and thursday, holds open the Ricks building door for exactly three minutes and gives you 30 seconds of warning telling you he is about to let go of the door. I love the lighting of the sun at 9 am and the smell of fresh air. I love the feeling of knowing. I love knowing who I am and where I came from and where I can be. I love. I love to dance. I love to be crazy and random and not think of a care in the world. I love realizations that we have a lot to do and a lot to be thankful for. I love lilacs and daisies and edamamae beans. I love rolling down my window letting my hands stick out, driving the endless roads of Idaho. I love life. I love. I love my family. (There is some great entries to come on the whole family :) ) I LOVE! I love I love I love! I think I have been so afraid to use that word.... Maybe because I feel that I fail in that area or I don't feel that I really know what it is.... Or how it should feel. But I am here to tell you- I know what love is. Romantic and not. I have loved. I have had heartache. I was so uncertain... why? I don't know. I knew. I know I knew. I guess that's all .... Love. I hope everyone realizes that they love! We all do. We all love. Why? Only because One was able to give it to us. I am soooooo Thankful and and happy and proud to announce that I LOVE AND LOVE THAT I LOVE!

Late morning

Today I woke up and woke up some more and finally woke up around 12! I can't even begin to wonder why I did this. I didn't go to bed that late.... I had four classes before 12? I really just was lazy. Maybe I needed this "nap". All I know is I feel guilty about it because I had no good reason to do it at all. I wasn't sick or anything. I have never slept in that late especially when I have classes. I woke up to my roommate Stephanie putting on her make up....Just because. She loves to get ready. She is the type of person that gets ready at least four times a day. I don't really understand why because every time she goes to get ready she comes out looking the same as she did before. I love it. Janna, another roommate, was singing in her room to the play -Wicked (Which was an amazing musical by the way!), and looking around on the internet. And as for me- I was in my huge sweatshirt and shorts trying to gain a state of consciousness with mascara, from yesterday, smeared on my right eye. It was a sight to see. I tried to make Cream of Wheat for breakfast/lunch and it exploded in the microwave everywhere! There was cream of wheat every where, for everyone. But I got ready and left for the last class of the day. I decided to wear these tan pants I used to love but I don't think I like them anymore. But I gave them the benifit of the doubt and will see how I feel about them throughout the day. I don't like them, I think, not because of what they are but for how they fit me now. Depressing and yet not at all. I know this is a stupid blog but well I find that is all I have to say right now.

Blogs for Everyone!

Can I just say... The links I have posted are amazing! Some of the greatest, most brillant people I have ever met. They have made me realize so much and really am in awe at how they are the way they are. What made me so lucky to know them? Nate Mecham is one of the most entertaining, honest, artistic guys I have ever met. He is insightful and just great! So go see his site, pictures and blog. Cody McComas.... well what do you say? I am changed forever. Go visit his blog... its full of goodness. Jared Orme is a guy I want to know more about. Intelligent and insightful... check it out.

Yadda Yadda

Sometimes life tells a story never even conceived by a single human mind. And with all its moments, memories, thoughts, ideals, dreams, aspirations bundled on top of one another... just waiting to be opened and expressed... The story is told. What's my story? I have thought about this a lot lately. Do I want to be just a girl who lived life confused but none the less happy? Or do I want to be the girl who conquers, dreams, and lives her dreams full, out loud, and alive!? I know things I want but either I don't want to inconvenience others or I am just plain ol' chicken. What's my story? Every page is being written pending on what I decide, what I choose...ultimately. Will my story be read for years to come? Will it be intriguing? I want them to be COLORFUL stories. A compilation of messups, mistakes, problems with happiness, love, laughter, hope and more to end it all. Life is scribbling down all impressions made and molding to form what WILL be known as my story. "What's the story?" some will say, and hopefully its response will be- "A life lived."

I Am

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest dear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela, President, Republic of South Africa. From his 1994 inaugural speech.

Today in my theories class we were discussing the topic of "self." How Decartes said, "I think therefore I am." Is that to say that, in that time period, If you didn't think you were not? I think that in that time as well most others believed that there was no self. But if there was no self there would be no "I" in the first place? It was bold to say and stand apart. Later on in class, my teacher was rambling on about some such thing or another and I was slightly listening and sleeping when I heard him say loud and clear, "Are you trying to be something rather than what you really are?" Am I? And really, honestly... YES yes I am. I have been trying soooo hard to be something than what I really am. I hide. I fear. I am only a cover to what is underneath and written. And realizing this just makes me want to take it all off. Go completely naked. I want to be real. I want to be pure, deep down and raw. It might not be this "WOW" moment for anyone else... but for me- Revived and new I am splendidly going to walk the hidden pages of my life outloud... and naked.

Melanie

-It makes you or breaks you
-Wonder
-No calls
-Missing and not knowing
-Don’t want to be unfair to him or myself
-I asked for it
-So why ask for more than I should
-Fear of losing
-Fear of finally finding out and lost chances
-Unsung
-It either makes you or breaks you I guess
-I am in for a grand adventure

The other night my friends and I were playing around in the Spori building up on campus and Melanie said something profound... It makes you or it breaks you. But does it really? I mean "It" can't do anything if you are in control. You have the power to choose how things end up or how you would like things to end up. I don't know I just don't know and am scared I never will.