And then there was just you...

Traditions!

I am so thankful for all the wonderful traditions my family has for celebrating certain events, holidays, experiences. Today we are heading down to one of my all time favorite traditions. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, the whole side of my moms family drives down to Manti. We stay is some little motel and eat nasty restaurant food. It is awesome! We all today... go to the Manti Temple (my all time favorite) and get to do baptisms for the dead for our family members. I can't explain it, but being in the temple with more than 50 people from your family, all dressed in white, having your family members baptise you... man... it brings tears to my eyes. As a child I would hate going down. Since it always happened to be over my birthday weekend I felt I never really got to spend any time doing what I wanted to do. I laugh at that now because this is the one thing I really do want to do now! -Saturday we will spend the day searching for a perfect little, humble Christmas tree to decorate for our home. What a tradition! I love my family. I am so thankful.

Thankful

Skipbo

Grandma says, "You know, good luck with cards means bad luck with love."
Me- "I agree completely."

I kicked everyones trash.

Pride and Prejudice

In between the gobbling (no pun intended... ha) up of our thanks my family went to the movies. I really enjoyed this one. Probably because I so often imagine myself wanting to be in a scenario like that. Live like that, talk like that... ha. Its a fairytale. Ya know... the ones you wish would happen to you now. Sure it might be full of fluff but why not! Why not imagine that things will turn out just like a fairy tale? And as much as I know that it might not happen like that for me. I really wish I had a Mr. Darcy who would call me his.

"Looking around at the crumpled snot filled kleenex's covering my bed and floor, thinking, why in the hell am I still here?"

-Anonymous

(I know... graphic wording for me. I apologize)

Do you want me to tell you that I can’t concentrate? That I cry everytime I am alone? That I can’t believe that you really don’t want to do something to prove what you say? That I can’t let go? That I feel hurt and depressed. Why? Because Cody. I loved you. Have you ever felt that burst in your chest where it feels like you can’t move. I have. The other day I felt it before I had class and tried to ignore it. It burst. My heart broke literally. Didn’t think I was so emotionally attached did you? Didn’t think that even after 9 months of nothing I would still feel this way… I am not whole. I am incomplete. I am undone. I am unsung and completely colorblind. I want to take a hand and build a tower in the sky. You once said that you know. But now I think you said it just because you are one of those hopeless romantics. I believed it you know. I took every word you said and swallowed it whole. “Some day he will know… some day we will be together and our hands will meet”. But as my heart broke yesterday and crumpled, it felt as though you had died. I realized that even if I couldn’t have you to love forever I can’t even have you as a friend. I wrote in my journal at a seminar years and years ago that I was scared I would never realize the person I loved because of how I fear. How I questioned. I prayed every night to know. I wet my pillow with my tears and finally in January I realized… and you were gone. I did exactly what I feared. I feel like I have lost everything and the death of you is something I knew would be painful. I don’t know how to get closure from this Cody. Because to me my feelings won’t change. But I will not be taken for words. I will not thrive on hope that maybe you will feel the same. You don’t know. You do nothing. Nothing is something. I know how you are when you want something bad enough. You have a passion to do things. You once showed that to me. And now that you don’t it answers what I wished wasn’t. Maybe I hurt you too bad. I can’t help but think that this was all my fault. As I drove to your house in Spokane. Nate told me of how your mother told me not to break your heart. I never had any intention of doing so. I would never want to do that. And it pains me to know that I did in some way or another. People tell me that we are great people, just not together. And to tell you the truth that only dug the dagger deeper. Maybe its true cody. Maybe I am blind to what I should see. Why can’t I just get over it? Why do I think that what others say isn’t true? Its because I love you.

its not always what it seems