And then there was just you...

Traditions!

I am so thankful for all the wonderful traditions my family has for celebrating certain events, holidays, experiences. Today we are heading down to one of my all time favorite traditions. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, the whole side of my moms family drives down to Manti. We stay is some little motel and eat nasty restaurant food. It is awesome! We all today... go to the Manti Temple (my all time favorite) and get to do baptisms for the dead for our family members. I can't explain it, but being in the temple with more than 50 people from your family, all dressed in white, having your family members baptise you... man... it brings tears to my eyes. As a child I would hate going down. Since it always happened to be over my birthday weekend I felt I never really got to spend any time doing what I wanted to do. I laugh at that now because this is the one thing I really do want to do now! -Saturday we will spend the day searching for a perfect little, humble Christmas tree to decorate for our home. What a tradition! I love my family. I am so thankful.

Thankful

Skipbo

Grandma says, "You know, good luck with cards means bad luck with love."
Me- "I agree completely."

I kicked everyones trash.

Pride and Prejudice

In between the gobbling (no pun intended... ha) up of our thanks my family went to the movies. I really enjoyed this one. Probably because I so often imagine myself wanting to be in a scenario like that. Live like that, talk like that... ha. Its a fairytale. Ya know... the ones you wish would happen to you now. Sure it might be full of fluff but why not! Why not imagine that things will turn out just like a fairy tale? And as much as I know that it might not happen like that for me. I really wish I had a Mr. Darcy who would call me his.

"Looking around at the crumpled snot filled kleenex's covering my bed and floor, thinking, why in the hell am I still here?"

-Anonymous

(I know... graphic wording for me. I apologize)

Do you want me to tell you that I can’t concentrate? That I cry everytime I am alone? That I can’t believe that you really don’t want to do something to prove what you say? That I can’t let go? That I feel hurt and depressed. Why? Because Cody. I loved you. Have you ever felt that burst in your chest where it feels like you can’t move. I have. The other day I felt it before I had class and tried to ignore it. It burst. My heart broke literally. Didn’t think I was so emotionally attached did you? Didn’t think that even after 9 months of nothing I would still feel this way… I am not whole. I am incomplete. I am undone. I am unsung and completely colorblind. I want to take a hand and build a tower in the sky. You once said that you know. But now I think you said it just because you are one of those hopeless romantics. I believed it you know. I took every word you said and swallowed it whole. “Some day he will know… some day we will be together and our hands will meet”. But as my heart broke yesterday and crumpled, it felt as though you had died. I realized that even if I couldn’t have you to love forever I can’t even have you as a friend. I wrote in my journal at a seminar years and years ago that I was scared I would never realize the person I loved because of how I fear. How I questioned. I prayed every night to know. I wet my pillow with my tears and finally in January I realized… and you were gone. I did exactly what I feared. I feel like I have lost everything and the death of you is something I knew would be painful. I don’t know how to get closure from this Cody. Because to me my feelings won’t change. But I will not be taken for words. I will not thrive on hope that maybe you will feel the same. You don’t know. You do nothing. Nothing is something. I know how you are when you want something bad enough. You have a passion to do things. You once showed that to me. And now that you don’t it answers what I wished wasn’t. Maybe I hurt you too bad. I can’t help but think that this was all my fault. As I drove to your house in Spokane. Nate told me of how your mother told me not to break your heart. I never had any intention of doing so. I would never want to do that. And it pains me to know that I did in some way or another. People tell me that we are great people, just not together. And to tell you the truth that only dug the dagger deeper. Maybe its true cody. Maybe I am blind to what I should see. Why can’t I just get over it? Why do I think that what others say isn’t true? Its because I love you.

its not always what it seems

Woke up this morning...

The cold air stung my cheeks, and I shoved my hands deeper into my jacket. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the snow sparkle in the sunlight. I looked up and noticed that the sky was a deep, clear blue. The trees stood tall and strong along the road. Suddenly I was amazed by the incredible beauty of the day. I looked around for someone to share it with, but none of my neighbors were in their yards enjoying the weather. In fact, the street was empty.

It wasn’t a wonderful summer morning or a crisp fall afternoon or even a quiet winter night, but this day was beautiful in its own way. And I began to understand about beauty.

Why Not Beautiful? Diane L. Mangum

Lately one of my favorite things to do is after classes are over and I have to cram in the computer lab I love to turn on some good tunes and google my project. Great tunes, new info, and nothing else to distract me. I like it even better when I walk home late at night and it is dark just listening to the music running through my ear phones and playing in the fallen leaves dispersed all over campus. I love that. Oh wait! get this- At night, sweet wind is blowing, bundled up in a bunch of coats- sweaters- hats- whatever, Listening to good tunes, walking in yellow leaves (but some are, of course, swirling around you due to the wind.) Man that is just a perma smile right there. Gotta love it!

If I could give this to just one person...

Despite the confusion, unknown, hard words/hard experiences, heart break, death, indecisiveness, tears-- I have never felt happier. Right here! Right now! Wierd to say sorta... I look at all these emotionally intense struggling experiences I have had in my life and still can sit here and say that I am happy? It feels like it is imbedded into the core of me. (Sorta feels like the effects of my blushing rash, but is constantly there!) I hope everyone knows they can feel like that too.

How wonderfully splendid.

Barefoot, Carefree Orphan

Last night Brittany and I were on my bed talking to Shalie about her boyfriend. She pulled out this little chapstick container she had. It fell on the bed so of course I picked it up and took a sniff. It smelt like watermelon. Shalie said it took her back to last winter. She made me smell it again.... She said, "I don't know. When I put this on it just takes me back to last winter, American Manor E1 and all of it."

What would it be like if we had items where we could put it on and all of a sudden the memory is staring us right in the face just like it was real once again? Rushing us with all those feelings, thoughts, ideas...

I think I don't need things to do that sometimes with certain instances. They seem so real to me and so up front in my memory that they feel like I had just experienced them for the first time. I am good with certain memories... I guess the ones that really affected me on a level. I remember the clothes, the smell, the looks, the things said, the feeling, sometimes the day, sometimes the time, the lighting... all in all the memory.

I sometimes think it is a wonderful thing to have. To be able to just think of an instance and remember it so clearly. But on the other hand its horrible.

Sometimes I wish I could just get amnesia and forget all the things I don't want to remember.
Sometimes I think that would be better. But then again I know it wouldn't just because- you learn something from everything... even if nothing.

Without all my experiences and memories- wanted and not wanted, I would not be the same.

Once instance I would want to go back to would be when I was about eleven. Wandering in the strange trees behind my house and in the gully. It seemed so adventurous and scary. I would often pretend I was an indian or a run away orphan where I would have to live off the land to survive.

One day in particular I was playing my role as usual when I came across a curious tree. I was barefoot, had grass stains on my left knee and hadn't brushed my hair for at least a couple of days. As I saw this tree I squinted- It looked like a magical tree... a moving tree. As I got closer to the tree I found hundreds, even millions, it seemed like of caterpillars! I love caterpillars. So curious I was that I grabbed a few with my little krumpled hands and examined them. I named those few but quickly decided to take the names back so the others wouldn't feel bad. And from that day forth I would go back to my secret home in the forest and talk with my squirmy friends.

It was a fun time. It was a magical time.

I remember coming back the next year... expecting my friends to all be there once again to find- nothing. But everytime I saw a butterfly after, I was sure it was one of my friends with no name.

Undone. Unsung. Colorblind.

Rain

There is just something about rain that I LOVE!!! I seriously think people find me too wierd to describe sometimes because when it rains I don't know what happens... I get all giddy and smile from ear to ear. I prefer not to wear jackets and just let the rain seep in. I love it when your face and head gets so wet that the water accumulates around your brow and the water droplets drip off your chin. I don't know why I like it so much but I do. It made my day even that much better. So as the bells of the clock struck one today, on campus, I walked happily on my way with no jacket and water all over. Lets not even get started on how wonderful and refreshing the smell is as well. I don't know but I LOVE RAIN!!!! maybe too much could get a little depressing but as of right now I say, "Bring it on!" So if it is raining in any area you are in... Go play and laugh and smile and soak the wetness in. But if your not such a big "getting wet" fan- sit by the window and watch it fall. That is always great too.

Stall #2

Ever wonder why you pick a certain bathroom stall? I usually pick the second one in. I don't know why though.

Today I went in to use the bathroom and found my stall occupied. I didn't know what to do. I thought about going in the one next to it but thought maybe it was to close to the visitor, of my stall, next door. So I went two over. Why? No clue.

We are creatures of habit I suppose. We like comfort. Its like at church- those families that have a specific row they sit on every week.

You know what? I am going to change the comfort level... try a new stall.... sit where someone usually sits.... Change isn't bad. People just want to be comfortable.

I think its time everyone gets comfortable with uncomfortable.

....Then uncomfortable wouldn't be at all.

Demolition Derby Madness!

Just some funness in St. Anthony. Thats Brittany, Wendy, Me and Kyle. And if you didn't notice in the car mess picture- number 86 was named Nate. He caused the wreck. And That is Amy and me. She almost made me pee my pants the other night. What great fun!

Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all.

--Emily Dickenson

Ten Bucks says you're not as cool as my Sis!

Enough said...

Thankful

What do you say? I mean really? Some thoughts are meshed into my head and well I don't really know how to get them out in a way that everyone would understand. I guess I am just thankful. I am thankful for friends who truly understand me, who don't care if I am "boring". Who accept me and all the stupid silly quirks that are embedded in me. I am thankful. I am thankful that I am able to attend a college. I am thankful to be able to always know I can talk to someone if I need too. I am thankful for a family that loves me. Who with out I probably would be lost. I am thankful for the truthfulness of this wonderful Gospel. I am thankful for missionaries and what they do and stand for. I am thankful for people who care, for grass that grows, for winds that talk, and for the wonders that make them selves apparent at the just the right time. I don't know what to really say... What do you say? Thank you? That just doesn't even give it justice to how I feel...