Do you want me to tell you that I can’t concentrate? That I cry everytime I am alone? That I can’t believe that you really don’t want to do something to prove what you say? That I can’t let go? That I feel hurt and depressed. Why? Because Cody. I loved you. Have you ever felt that burst in your chest where it feels like you can’t move. I have. The other day I felt it before I had class and tried to ignore it. It burst. My heart broke literally. Didn’t think I was so emotionally attached did you? Didn’t think that even after 9 months of nothing I would still feel this way… I am not whole. I am incomplete. I am undone. I am unsung and completely colorblind. I want to take a hand and build a tower in the sky. You once said that you know. But now I think you said it just because you are one of those hopeless romantics. I believed it you know. I took every word you said and swallowed it whole. “Some day he will know… some day we will be together and our hands will meet”. But as my heart broke yesterday and crumpled, it felt as though you had died. I realized that even if I couldn’t have you to love forever I can’t even have you as a friend. I wrote in my journal at a seminar years and years ago that I was scared I would never realize the person I loved because of how I fear. How I questioned. I prayed every night to know. I wet my pillow with my tears and finally in January I realized… and you were gone. I did exactly what I feared. I feel like I have lost everything and the death of you is something I knew would be painful. I don’t know how to get closure from this Cody. Because to me my feelings won’t change. But I will not be taken for words. I will not thrive on hope that maybe you will feel the same. You don’t know. You do nothing. Nothing is something. I know how you are when you want something bad enough. You have a passion to do things. You once showed that to me. And now that you don’t it answers what I wished wasn’t. Maybe I hurt you too bad. I can’t help but think that this was all my fault. As I drove to your house in Spokane. Nate told me of how your mother told me not to break your heart. I never had any intention of doing so. I would never want to do that. And it pains me to know that I did in some way or another. People tell me that we are great people, just not together. And to tell you the truth that only dug the dagger deeper. Maybe its true cody. Maybe I am blind to what I should see. Why can’t I just get over it? Why do I think that what others say isn’t true? Its because I love you.